Entire too relatable. I grew up in much the same way. Having that feeling as my baseline, my “normal”, made everything else feel wrong, but I could never fully put my finger on why. I developed a sense of stoicism so that I could get through each day showing as little outward reaction as possible. However, I confused that stoicism for calmness and stability; inside my mind everything still roiled as my instincts and senses were always watching and waiting, preparing for the next time things became dangerous.

Decades of living with that level of hypervigilance paired with the effort needed to put forward a stoic exterior has worn me down. The physical symptoms of chronic mental and emotional exhaustion are debilitating; the body really does pay a toll for the mind’s wounds. Maybe if twenty years ago I had the knowledge and resources that I do now, I could have done something to stave off what I’m going through.

All this to say: if you aren’t already, please seek counseling as soon as possible. Don’t make the same mistake I did; just like the smoker who denies that their habit it harmful, if you don’t work to heal your psychological wounds now, then it will eventually catch up to you. Be well, and take care of yourself.