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Back in school, when we were starting to learn english as a foreign language, we were explicitly taught, to answer a “how do you do?” with another “how do you do?” and not to actually respond with how we were doing.
As for the names, I also struggle with that. People greet me like that all the time and I never know, if they are trying to be extra friendly (maybe even because they actually like me and want to show it?), or need to single me out, because they greeted others before, or catch my attention because I’m usually somewhere else with my mind. Or it’s just the way they do it and has absolutely nothing to do with me as a person. Also it seems to be mostly women who call me by my name, now that I think about it. I always just reply “hi” without a name, because I always fear to get it wrong and that stresses me out. Though I think my tone changes depending on the person and how happy I am to see them. Sometimes I think about if I should try responding with their name, to let them know I’m actually happy to see them, because I think it actually does make me feel good, when someone I like greets me using my name. But as many others here, I don’t really know, if it actually makes a difference for them.
Kinda why I thought I might be a sociopath. I don’t ask things like that because I genuinely do not care.
In my experience most neurotypicals don’t as well and it’s just some kind of ritual. Most of the time I just try to copy what the other person is doing to not be awkward and get on with it.
I care, but i’m only going to ask someone how they are if they’re visivly upset, or visibky happy/excited, or otherwise they will share with me first.
Your treatment of the word “visibly” amuses me.
Lol! I have major typing issues on this godforsaken device, it’s as if it has auto-de-correct on instead of the default autocorrect. I will type things out carefully then look back at the comment at the end to see a dozen incorrect letters scattered throughout the paragraph
Well … We’ve all been there.
People aren’t waiting for the answer so I doubt they even notice that you didn’t ask
The answer is not the point. The question is what people expect. It is a gesture of friendly respect.
Unless you’re in Europe
“Salut, ça va?”
Fair enough
When I ask someone I do generally listen to the reply because I care about the person and want to know how they feel. Most people I ask do ask me back so I try to have an answer ready and it is noticeable when it doesn’t happen, but I don’t mind.
I’m not so sure anymore, I’ve had co-workers grumble to me so-and-so doesn’t greet people back at work.
I rarely use people’s names.
I actively avoid it XD
Names are overrated. I prefer being called good boy.
I’ve been married for almost a decade and still sometimes have to put thought into it before I address my wife by name.
I once referred to my oldest friend - whom I’ve known since I was eight - as “what’s-his-name.” The woman who is now the aforementioned wife responded “you mean your oldest and dearest friend?”
Pretty much the only person whose name I can remember without trying is my kid, whose name I had a part in choosing.
I use them all the time on purpose. People like to hear their own names. It quickly recognizes them as an associate of yours and makes them feel special.
That’s why I don’t like it. I feel being manipulated if someone says my name all the time.
Well, around other NDs I skip the pleasantries and get down to business.
If there’s less than a 100% chance that I’m certain what their name is in the second there was an opportunity to use it, I don’t use it; then I immediately beat myself up internally for not using it.
Part of my mask is almost always asking people how they are feeling for the day when I first start my interaction with them. I used to avoid that kind of small talk, but it actually super helps me make adjustments to my conversations with them and gives me context to why they might speak to me a certain way. When I’m in a burn out phase, I tend to avoid it though because I don’t really have the mental energy to process their responses and want to disconnect as quickly as possible.
I engage with them no matter what. My reasons being: if I can handle it, I get a gauge on what mood they’re in and how to talk to them that day, which makes things easier for me since I don’t have to guess. If I can’t handle caring about their response, at least it gets them talking and I don’t have to offer up anything about my life. Just keep steering the conversation back to theirs and they basically handle all the heavy lifting until I can find an out.
Obviously this does not work perfectly all the time but it usually gets me to the finish line.
I think a month or two ago I’d have said the same thing, but I’ve recently hit the worst burnout I’ve ever experienced… There’s been days where I can only get a few words out before my brain just shuts down. Absolutely night and day difference from where I was…sooo now I’m in ultra recovery mode and really focusing on building my battery back up 😓
Oooofff I am sorry. Hopefully you can recharge and you have some reliable ways to extract yourself from dealing with the energy vampires.
It’s wild how fast your defences can fail once you get to a certain point.
I’m starting to do it more recently, and almost always it feels awkward because I’m mostly doing it because it what I should do, for the reason of… it is what is done.
TIL I am autism
Can confirm, was skeptical and clicked there bio. They talked about amazing digital circus.
The solid three minutes after someone asks me how I’m doing before I remember to ask it back, just about every time 😬
That’s me. I do genuinely care, and want to have a conversation, but somewhere i missed that bit of programming and have to go back after the fact.
Exact same for me.
Same. It’s hard to remember because I assume people ask me because they care about the answer instead of it just being a social ritual. For the same reason I don’t ask it back because I genuinely don’t care.
Somehow it’s the exact opposite for me. I assume people are just asking for the social ritual while I actually care about the answer, but it somehow feels selfish in my mind to expect them to give a genuine answer when I hate doing that myself. So I don’t ask. Because obviously, that’s how you get people to not dislike you, right? By not making them do things they don’t want to do.
Someone said that those Floskeln are there to feel out if you are dangerous.
As soon as I thought of all that stuff more like signals that you won’t attack and your intentions aren’t malicious, it made more sense.
Notice my daily post is “Hey What’s Going On!” And not “How are you?”
I find it’s best to just avoid people wherever possible
I think it’s especially important to ask them back if they didn’t actually mean it in the first place.
Normies are weird, you just have to learn some arbitrary rules to coexist with them. It might feel fake, but it’s genuine to them.
These days I’m old and wise. I’ll remember asking about the other person right after the conversation ended, not a week after.
That depends on the culture. I have a british coworker who says “hi, how are you” as a greeting, not as a question.
Also the British custom of asking if you’re alright which must adhere to the following script:
“Hiya, you alright?”
“Oh yeah not so bad. You?”
“Yeah not bad.”
You can deviate slightly (“can’t complain”) but under no circumstances must you discuss whether you’re actually alright or not. I’ve genuinely seen this exchange happen at a funeral, with the widower being like “Yeah not so bad…”
when i went to Britain the first time (as an american), everyone kept asking me if i was alright and i thought there was something wrong with me like i was bleeding or smth
Well you have to consider perspective. He’s doing way better than his wife…
