When I was in first grade, the teacher called everyone by name to line up for recess. Somehow she missed my name. I didn’t say anything I just sat because I wasn’t called. Then they all went to recess. A little while later the teacher noticed me missing and came back to the classroom to find me crying in my seat.

I pretty much just sat at my desk, spaced out, and disassociated through most of grade school. In first grade I got detention for having a snowball fight, except I never did fight, and I was just picking up the snow to eat it (I was obsessed with eating snow as a kid). I was so confused and after that I felt like I couldn’t play or engage with anything, so I began to disengage as well.

It’s only recently that I’ve realized disassociating and disengaging have made me very lonely and are no longer helpful to me and I’ve started trying to put more effort into socializing, but I’m also not that great at it.