Some context:
My mother divorced my dad (who then lost custody of me due to abuse). We lived well below the poverty line with many days my only food being free lunch from my school. My mother then passed from cancer when I turned 17.
When my mother passed I moved in with my autistic friends family (Ive known her since elementary school). I had already been shot down by her in middle school when she explained to me “Im autistic so I dont feel those emotions.” So I never thought anything would happen between us. Fast forward a year later and after spending tons of time together she asks “what are we”, two days later and were offically dating.
My now partner has autism and bipolar and her parents while trying their best have always thought of her as nothing more then a little kid dispite her now being 20, and arent exactly the best at managing autism. Because of this she doesnt want her parents to know about us dating until we have our own place
Heres where my problems are:
The first week felt unreal. She asked for me to sleep in her room every night, wanted tons of cuddles and even wanted to try kissing- something she said she’d never do. Shes was also researching apartments every day and always talking about wanting to move out as soon as possible.
Unfortunately she also wanted to watch the sopranos. And I didnt realize just how much that show reflected my home life growing up triggering me whenever I watched an episode. It was manageable, but then problems at work were getting worse, her family arent abusive but their also not fun people to live with and problems started arising with them. Combining everything I started feeling very triggered and just couldnt return her love. I discussed it with her and tried to reasure that it wasnt her but Id be lying if I said I wasnt pretty distant.
Now things are better again, I changed departments at work, had to stop watching the sopranos instead of trying to power through the episodes. But now she doesn’t want to be touched, barely talks to me, and starts getting incredibly anxious when I ask her any questions.
She tells me she still loves me but shes just having a bad episode, and I want to believe her. But her mannerisms are almost parallel to my ex’s before she broke up with me. I feel like a disgusting creep begging for the attention of a girl who doesnt want to be with me. Im worried ill get the same conversation my ex had with me. “You were convient”, “I didnt really love you but I had nobody else”. I feel like I destroyed our relationship by going distant, and that every attempt to fix it pushes her further away.
The only thing keeping me questioning is every now and then she’ll let me hug her again and curl up into my arms (she hates being hugged by anyone even family). I discussed everything with her but it just made her anxious and start freaking out. When I asked her about moving out she now says “Im not in a rush.”
Sorry for this massive post but Im in my head and genuinly am lost for direction here. Did I ruin everything? How do I even approach talking when she just gets anxious and shuts down whenever I bring anything up? I would just like someone elses opinions or prespective on the matter because I known Im stuck only thinking from my own prespective on the situation
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this may not be the case but either way I apologize for any hardship that could be brought up by you reading this.
relationships, friendship or romantic or other,
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can become special interests
for autistic and otherwise Neurodivergent people. check out the Divergent Conversations podcast. Dr Neff talks about her multiple personal experiences with this phenomenon, in several episodes of the podcast.
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that being said, it doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t/weren’t ever sincere. but since research is still early and rare, even many psychologists/neurologists may not realize the short term dopamine involvement in relationship formation for Neurodivergent.
whatever you both decide, please remember neither of you are to blame for the situation nor for your attempts to navigate in uncharted waters that society has not provided any age-old proven teachings or wisdom about.
This resonates with me. Thanks for taking the time to share it with OP.
This is an incredibly complex situation to be navigating, so I can only give very simple advice. Two big things: love is the only good reason to do anything in life, and read up on all the ins and outs of bipolar.
If you can handle that, obviously I can’t promise success but your likely outcomes will certainly improve.
First of all i think people should get used to writing where they live in the post because whether you believe it or not, it 100% does make a lot lot lot of difference whether you’re living in the US, in brazil, in china or australia because people are different everywhere and there are going to be differences in how things work.
secondly i relate to your post a lot. i had an autistic gf too some years ago and some things that you write really remember me of back then. like the
The first week felt unreal. She asked for me to sleep in her room every night, wanted tons of cuddles and even wanted to try kissing- something she said she’d never do. Shes was also researching apartments every day and always talking about wanting to move out as soon as possible.
i think she’s never made these experiences with anybody who she found even remotely relatable to so when you meet somebody for the first time that you can relate to, things happen very quickly. i think it’s important for young people to experiment around but also give her space to explore herself and her environment without forcing her to be “consistent” - i.e. don’t expect a fixed relationship just because somebody wants to explore relationships with other people for a bit.
This is what I fear though. Every relationship I’ve had I’ve been the “stepping stone”. I treated them nicley enough to where they wanted their first relationship, first time, etc. And then they realized they wanted something else after experimenting with me. I dont resent anyone for it, but now that im out of school and working full time all I wanted was someone to stay. If they want something else then I wish she would end things, but I dont want to end things if its something I just need to give time and effort
that’s surprisingly mature of you to say. yeah, i get your feelings, as i have them too
idk where to find somebody who’s willing to stay.
as to what you should do, well, this really really really depends a lot on context that is not written in your post so i can only guess here.
basically, you should make a plan of where you intend to go in the next few years, and check whether that’s compatible with what she wants. like, if you both just so randomly happen to want to live in austin and study sea biology then maybe moving together would make sense. if you already know you’re going to work abroad while she hates travelling, well i guess there’s no chance to stay together.
maybe ask her about her interests and where she wants to go, and check whether that’s something that you can relate to and whether it makes sense to walk some path together.
if you have more questions feel free to ask
I live in the US, neither me or my partner are religious
