Ananääs

Samesies. I decided to have a short break from adhd meds because they kind of keep me on overdrive. But apparently they also keep me functional. So tired & unable to do anything or even talk today.

(Oops, commented on yesterday’s post :') Well, i guess that’s how laggy my brain is rn)

Well said! I love your metaphor! Surfing is an interesting way to describe the process, and they do bear similarities! Also for both, I suppose, it’s crucial to “read” the environment and weather correctly - or the physical and mental circumstances. If you are already used to it things probably go a lot smoother than if you have to learn it while doing.

I don’t know what would be an equivalent in surfing, but something I’ve also learned the hard way is that the stimulants can also help focus on those unpleasant side-effects or get stuck on thoughts etc, especially when learning to navigate the effects of the drug - like when you are bicycling and there’s an icy road ahead: staring at the road, thinking about losing control and crashing instead of looking forward will most likely end up in you crashing (that’s me at least 😹).

A big risk is being cut off from a drug that works, but the dosage is wrong, just because the doctor doesn’t understand how differently people react to these drugs. For me at least it has taken a long time to find out what dose works for me, how and when I should take it, because I’ve had to find out without professional support. GPs don’t have enough understanding about the issue and complexity to actually give any advice or suggest options, and psychiatrists are really difficult to get to (especially ones that are specialized in neurodivergence).

I’m on Elvanse/Vyvanse and on a regular day I take 25mg, but if I leave home and know the day will be stressful I’ll take 40-50mg (25-30mg in the morning and the rest in a few hours). But if I’m really overwhelmed it may be too little or way too much. The small dose helps significantly with my mood and impulsivity etc but there are some unpleasant side-effects as well as potential risks I wish would be addressed by the doctor - but then again I’ll rather take this suboptimal solution than risk losing the prescription altogether, because at least this works somewhat.

My experience is that the psychiatrist initially prescribed me way too large doses even though I mentioned I’m sensitive to drugs, they just went on with the “regular titration plan”, and I believe that intensified my burnout. Another thing in here is that they’ll basically try 3 individual drugs (with maybe 3 different doses) and that’s it. If there are any issues you’ll easily get cut off the meds, there isn’t much consideration for alternatives. You’ll be lucky to try the actual ADHD meds, especially if you rely on public health care, as many are refused neurological evaluations and are stuck with SSRI’s or similar.

Good that you are getting help from a therapist!

Changes are stressful and they are especially stressful when there’s vagueness/unclear communication around it! That also sounds a lot like an internal communication issue in the workplace, not “just a personal fault” - and those things should be taken seriously.

We neurodivergents learn from childhood to ignore our needs and it takes a long time to relearn to trust ourselves and hear the cues our bodies and minds give to us. It sounds like you are already doing a lot, taking steps and finding new, healthier ways of being. Hopefully your workplace will also find ways to help out in that professional setting!

I’m still recovering, and at the moment going through another stressful period that I try to manage as well as I can, so it won’t completely wreck me.

I realized I need to start changing the way I think and react emotionally to be able to recover (cptsd-related), so I found a couple resources, youtube therapists and podcasts that I’d learn from. I also found it useful to understand more about zen and philosophy behind mindfulness (I’m allergic to superficial “quick fixes”, I need to understand WHY things are supposed to work and what lead to developing the practice). Basically learning how to recognize and listen to my personal needs, what cues the body gives, where stress and anxiety gets “stored” in my body and so on. I realized I wasn’t able to stop and that’s what I really needed to do. I’m used to just forcing myself to do what I think I’m expected to, completely ignoring what’s actually good for me. Plenty of shame and fear to tackle.

I decided I need to do at least light physical activity every day, so I started taking “mental health evening walks” and observing nature while at it. I like to listen to these therapists’ podcasts while I’m walking to calm myself and minimize hearing traffic noise.

All in all learning about my sensory needs and minimizing sensory stress has been important. Also realizing what kind of social situations drain me and being conscious about how much I can take. It’s painful to have to give up on good and enjoyable things because they too drain me.

Then I started exploring what kind of social activities I’d enjoy and tried going to some groups. Peer support has been especially important!

Half a year later I became curious about possible study opportunities and got into one course. Being in a structured (social) setting where I could learn from interesting topics helped me a lot!

For me the most obvious signs that I’m getting better are: less sensory stress, less emotional dysregulation, more battery for social things and not feeling exhausted all the time. The progress is slow though and I think I’m just in the beginning about learning what’s good for me and balancing my life so that it supports my needs.

I went to the art museum with a friend today!

Existential crisis hitting hard, but went to a book fair and found some good books so that was nice. And after that I spent like 4 hours fixing the motorcycle, which I quite enjoy, and it’s also quality time with my partner.

Hey, I only learned everything about horses in primary school (including behavior, breeds, anatomy and feeding…) OUT OF CURIOSITY!

32ish when people around me started getting diagnoses and I began looking into it. Got diagnosed at 34 with ADHD. I identify strongly with autistic experience as well. The doctor who did the initial evaluation agreed there probably are autistic traits there too and it might be worth looking into, but they couldn’t help with it in that clinic. It’s really difficult to get evaluated in a public clinic so I’ve decided to let it be for now.

Using a lot of energy to manage stress right now. Our move to Germany, which was supposed to happen at the end of June, was suddenly cancelled as the company announced massive layoffs last week. They obviously knew about it when they wrote the new contract. We already had an agreement to a temporary flat and possible tenants coming to see our flat + other arrangements made. Never trust a capitalist. Thank dog some maneuvers were still possible to soften the (possible) fall.

Feeling sad and disappointed and really heavy for losing that opportunity and having to rearrange ourselves and our lives again. I was really happy about a new direction but nah. I’m glad I’ve done a lot of work the last year learning new coping strategies so I manage a lot better with this situation than I would’ve before.

Also some random blasts from the past have struck lately. It feels as if I need to face some people and situations and make peace with them. Another thing that came to an end today is a court case which has bothered me for 4 years - I witnessed a possible battery, and I’ve been called to the court to give a statement about it several times, only to be told the day before that it’s been postponed. Failing to show up would result in fines, so it’s really annoying to have to reserve the day in calendar and then it’s cancelled. I didn’t even have much to say about the whole thing and couldn’t identify anyone… Glad that’s been dealt with finally.

Happy May Day! I was at the traditional may day march today and also joined the demonstration thst opposed a nazi march. Sad to see how the nazis are tolerated and their bullshit let to spread.

Otherwise the day was ok, often the weather on May Day is cold and it’s not uncommon that it rains or even snows, but this time it was +20°c and sunny, so we had a picnic in a park with friends.

We went to a discussion club today with the SO as our favourite politician was speaking there about democracy. Great event and a good talk! I’m so happy that people organize these clubs, I wish I had more time to participate. I’ve been to a few of them before and it’s always been a good and inspiring experience.