You could buy a used x86 detachable laptop or a convertible laptop (just something with UEFI). They handle just like a tablet if you use a fitting distro. Something with Phosh, KDE Plasma or Gnome desktop environment. Works awesome on touchscreens.

It would be even funnier if it was a parody of OPM’s “Heaven is a Halfpipe” or Smash Mouth’s “All Star”.